So after a long and less than great at times journey, I have finally finished medical school. It has been tough, but now I’m ready for the next chapter as a junior doctor. I start in less than two weeks on general surgery in a district general hospital where I did a few weeks of placement as a student. Hope it’ll be ok. Am well scared! Still, got my rota today and don’t start on nights, phew. I pity the poor souls who are having to do that.
I have bipolar disorder, and was diagnosed about a year and a half ago now. My manic episodes have been triggered by antidepressant combined with sleep deprivation, so thanks GP. Bloody doctors, honestly. So I had a manic episode in my final year of medical school, then crashed in to depression as seems to be the norm for me, and then tried to hang myself. And then obviously dropped out of final year and restarted it the next academic year.
The diagnosis was a bit of a relief, after struggling with depression most winters since I was in sixth form, and some strange mood occurrences as a teenager too, I was pretty relieved to have some sort of explanation (other than having borderline personality disorder, which is what I convince myself I have every time I get remotely depressed), although that didn’t stop me from being in some sort of denial for a good little while.
Also, because hypomania felt just so amazing the first time, especially having just come out of depression, I couldn’t shake the thought that things would be so much better if I experienced that again. Cue months of ups and downs as I took medications as and when I pleased, thought I knew best, embraced sleep deprivation and tried to trigger episodes with stockpiled antidepressants. Alas, once I’d had the first amazing hypomanic episode, the other couple were a lot darker, much more irritable, less elated, and with more risky and now deeply regrettable behaviours. I’m ready to leave that little phase behind me.
Anyway the story is long, and maybe I’ll go in to in a bit more some other time. I’ve lost a couple of friends who turned out not to be friends at all along the way, but also formed some really deep friendships that I am so privileged to have, and got to know myself a lot better.
I’m going to try to blog about my experiences as a junior doctor with bipolar disorder. I know it will be a tough journey for every new doctor starting, but with bipolar I can see some additional…mountains to climb. I know from being a student in the NHS already that stigma attached to mental illness is absolutely huge, which is why I am going to keep this blog anonymous and hope that noone really reads it anyway! It’s more of a dear diary than anything!
Secret Life of a Bipolar Doctor 